


all the love we've had and lost

by heylovely_itsme



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, and i will definitely write more where they are together and happy and in love, but they all still love each other a LOT, the ot3 is in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26038777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylovely_itsme/pseuds/heylovely_itsme
Summary: CJ felt her mouth move into a smile, almost involuntarily, and threw her hands up in the air. “We did it!!” Josh grabbed her hand, spinning her around once, and then released her.She felt on top of the world, her heart brimming with joy, and excitement, and all of the wonderful feelings that came with victory. CJ found Donna, and hugged her, and danced a little with Sam.Then she saw him standing in the middle of the room, and felt herself walking to him, though she didn’t remember making the choice to move.(Jed Bartlet wins the nomination. CJ decides to do something she might regret.)
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt/Toby Ziegler, C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler
Comments: 14
Kudos: 18





	all the love we've had and lost

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first west wing fic!! but i have SO MANY ideas, mainly with the toby/andy/cj ot3, so hopefully more will be coming soon. please leave comments and kudos, nothing makes me happier.  
> title from "supercut" by lorde

CJ stood silently as the room around her exploded with joy. 

Euphoria, really, was the only apt description of the feeling. She stared at the TV screen, eyes wide. “Underdog Jed Bartlet has managed to get the democratic nomination,“ she heard the announcer say. That’s when it clicked. She put her hands over her mouth, not trusting herself to say the right thing. CJ felt tears come to her eyes but she blinked them away. This was... wonderful. Miraculous, even. She felt light, and happy. They had worked so hard to get this far. She didn’t think anything could ruin this moment. 

She looked across the room, trying to find someone to share this feeling with. 

“Claudia Jean!” she heard from behind her, barely getting a moment to register the voice before being swept up in a huge hug. Josh held her tight for a moment, then let her go just as suddenly as he had come. He was grinning, face stretched into the biggest smile she’d seen on his face since his father died. He laughed at the expression on her face, a mix of joy and disbelief. 

CJ felt her mouth move into a smile, almost involuntarily, and threw her hands up in the air. “We did it!!” Josh grabbed her hand, spinning her around once, and then released her. 

She felt on top of the world, her heart brimming with joy, and excitement, and all of the wonderful feelings that came with victory. CJ found Donna, and hugged her, and danced a little with Sam. 

Then she saw him standing in the middle of the room, and felt herself walking to him, though she didn’t remember making the choice to move.

Toby was standing, staring at the television. He was lost in thought, and she could tell he was making plans for the future when the present wasn’t even over. She put her hand on his, alerting him to her presence. He looked at the table where their hands rested, then looked up at her. 

“Hey,” she said softly.  
  
For everyone else, this was just a win- a huge one, but nothing new. For Toby, this was brand-new territory. His world had shifted on its axis, and CJ knew he was still adjusting. He looked at her, studying her, and she felt herself shift under his gaze. 

He looked at her a lot, she had noticed. Nothing had ever made her feel more beautiful than his eyes locked on her when she entered a room. Nothing had ever made her more self conscious, either.  
  
“He won the nomination.” Toby sounded like he was floating a test balloon, or taking a poll to see how a line worked in a speech. “Jed Bartlet is the Democratic nominee.” CJ nodded, lips quirking a little at his dramatics.  
  
Toby grabbed his glass off the table, raised it to his lips, and took a long drink. Then, he grabbed her hand and pulled her close to him. She let out a little laugh, surprised at his affectionate nature. CJ was used to touching him in private, but he rarely showed this side of himself in a room full of people. But she found that she didn’t exactly care why, not when he was touching her like that. She just liked holding his hand, his callused fingers absentmindedly stroking her palm. She wondered if he even noticed he was doing it.  
  
“You look absolutely beautiful.” CJ felt her cheeks heat up at the sudden compliment. 

“Thank you,” she said softly, suddenly feeling all too much like a teenager.  
  
Toby held on to her hand, swinging it as he pulled her onto the dance floor. He placed his hands on her hips, and she slowly relaxed into his touch. It gave her butterflies in her stomach, in a way she hadn’t in a long time. Since they were together, before- she cuts herself off. CJ won’t think about that. She can’t. It hurts too much. 

“CJ? You in there?” 

She suddenly realizes they aren’t moving. She gets a glimpse of what they must look like to everyone else- a six feet tall girl in a bright red dress standing in the middle of the room with a short bald man dressed in a black suit. What a pair they must make, she thinks to herself.  
  
CJ looks at him, and suddenly feels a rush of emotion, so intense it almost knocks her off her feet. Toby grabs her elbows, eyebrows furrowing. She looks into his dark eyes, brimming with the intense love and concern she’s come to expect when he looks at her. She feels unsteady, but in a different way then earlier, when she felt like she could jump in the air and wouldn’t fall. Now, she just feels... tired. Tired and frustrated with the rules she’s set for herself, tired of never being able to kiss the people she loves when she wants to. Not that she could kiss Andy anyway.  
  
But Toby is here, and he’s dancing with her, and she loves him. She loves him, and she hates that it isn’t enough. 

“CJ?” Toby repeats, shifting his weight from one foot to another. She can’t meet his eyes. 

“I- I have to, just-“ she mumbles out an excuse, sliding out of his arms and turning away.  
  
CJ can feel his eyes on her as she walks toward the bathroom. She doesn’t run, as much as she wants to- she can feel the questioning stares of every reporter in the room. God, why does she always do this? She’s in charge of the media, she should know better. She does know better- she just can’t find it in herself to care about optics right now. 

She almost wants to laugh about the irony of that. Caring too much about optics was the thing that broke her relationship with the two people who she loves more than anything. Her heart twinges at the memory- long nights of trying to fall asleep, staring at her empty bed and wishing she had stayed.  
  
Instead, she left, and they got married. And now she’s standing in a bathroom on a night that should be the happiest one she’s had in a long time, and she misses them. She misses him. CJ loved Andy to pieces, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever move on from that, but Toby was her best friend. He was… well, he was her soulmate. She hated how much they had grown apart. Well, she had pushed them apart, from the minute she had joined the campaign, because she knew they couldn’t be together right now. 

They were stuck in limbo, and she was tired of it. So fucking tired of missing him when he was right there.  
  
“God, CJ, where have you been?” Toby stormed into the bathroom, apparently ignoring the sign on the door that marked it for women. CJ wasn’t in the mood to tease him, though. She stood up hastily, but he noticed her disheveled appearance and her slightly glassy eyes right away. Damn you, Toby Ziegler, for your freakishly observant nature. 

“What?” Oh. She said that out loud. Maybe CJ was a little more drunk than she thought. Toby came closer, touching her face softly. She let out a small noise at that, and he looked up. 

“How can you do this?” she asked him, not thinking through her words. 

“Do what?” Toby said quizzically. He actually had no idea what she was talking about, CJ realized. She huffed, abruptly moving away from him. 

“God, Toby! How can you touch me like this?”

His mouth opened, maybe to defend himself, but CJ kept talking. 

“You’re married to Andy, you’re in love with Andy! I, I just don’t get what you’re doing here.” 

The desperation in her voice bled through, and his eyes widened. Toby wanted to tell her that he loved her just as much as he loved Andy, but he knew she already knew that. 

“CJ, I’m here because my candidate, you know, the one who had no chance of getting the nomination, just won the nomination!” His voice had a slightly hysterical edge to it. 

She started to tell him that’s not what she meant, but then his words sunk in. They had won. Well, not yet, but they actually had a chance now. They had beat Hoynes! And CJ wasn’t celebrating, or drinking, or dancing. She was in the bathroom, yelling at the man she loved. What the hell was she doing?  
  
“CJ?” 

She had zoned out again, but this time she had made a decision.  
  
“Toby.”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Screw the rules. Just for tonight.” 

Before he fully understood her meaning, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. His back hit the corner as she pressed into him, tilting her face up so he could kiss her throat. Toby’s hands found her waist, and were slowly sliding up her body as they made out. God, she felt like a teenager. She moaned a little into his mouth, and the soft noise he made in response made her smile. CJ kissed him deeply, trying to memorize the feeling, and reluctantly broke the kiss. She leaned her forehead against his, trying to hold on to what she knew would be the last time they did this for a while. 

He sighed as she pulled back, trying to maneuver her dress into a presentable position. 

“Toby-” 

“I know.” 

He cut off her heartbroken apology and steeled himself for what came next. 

“I’m going to go back to the party now, okay?” she said softly. 

“Okay.” 

Before she lost her nerve, CJ kissed his cheek and stepped back. He watched her leave, rejoining the party and quickly becoming the center of attention once again. 

Toby picked up the phone, dialing his wife’s number from heart.  
“Congratulations, honey,” she said warmly. 

“Thanks. Uh, Andy-” She realized right away that he wasn’t in the victorious mood she had expected, and cut him off. 

“What happened?” 

Toby let out a breath, wincing as though she could see him. “CJ kissed me.” 

Andy couldn’t stop herself from laughing. Toby sounded like he had committed a crime- his voice was mournful and regretful and not at all what he should sound like after kissing CJ. 

“What?” Toby said, sounding very aggravated at her reaction. 

“Tobus, you didn’t cheat on me. It’s CJ. Why do you sound like you’ve wronged me?” 

He sighs. “You’re really okay with it?”  
  
Andy can’t help but smile at his uncertainty- no matter how much she reassured him, Toby still felt like he was doing something wrong. She wasn’t lying at all- she really was okay with it. She had expected it, had hoped for it, really- maybe if CJ kissed Toby, she’d come back to them. Andy couldn’t think about that, though. After CJ left for the last time- after she had left for good- she had given up all of her hopes for their future together. Toby hadn’t, though. He was too stubborn.  
  
“So, uh, are you two, does she want to-how is she?” Andy asked, stumbling through the question. She tried to seem casual, but failed miserably. Toby knew her too well. 

“No. We’re not. She-“ His voice breaks, and she got a glimpse into how much CJ’s refusal to be with him on the campaign trail had hurt him. 

“Oh, Toby.” 

“Yeah.” 

No wonder he sounded so miserable. Andy wished she could be with him tonight- force him to go celebrate. He shouldn’t be alone tonight. She knew CJ would make him go back to the party, and would take care of him, but it wouldn’t be the same. 

“You okay?” Her voice was soft, and it felt like a warm hug coming through the phone. Toby let out a breath, clutching the edge of the counter he was leaning against.

“I don’t know. It’s… you know. I miss you.” 

Andy did know. But she also knew Toby didn’t just miss her- well, he did, but no more than usual. He missed the three of them, together, before CJ left for California and before she set her rules for the campaign. They both missed that time desperately. 

“You should go celebrate, Toby. You did good.” 

“Thanks.” He said it quickly, as if he was trying not to prolong the pain. Andy smiled. And she hung up the phone.  
  
Toby stood there for a minute, wishing more than anything he could be with Andy tonight. Then, he adjusted his tie and walked slowly out of the women’s bathroom. 

“Toby!” Josh half-yelled, throwing his hands in the air as he walks over. “I can’t believe this. Can you believe this? We have so much to do- this changes our whole plan, but I’ve been working on something and-“  
  
“Josh.” 

Toby closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Josh was being way too Josh for Toby to deal with him right now. He looked like a wounded puppy, though, and Toby regretted it for a second. He remembered the Illinois primary for a moment, the look on Josh’s face as he found out about his dad. 

As much as Josh annoyed him, he had good ideas. And, well, as much as Toby had tried to stop, he cared about him. 

“Uh. We’ll bring it to Leo tomorrow, okay?” 

He used we on purpose, and the look on Josh’s face when it registered was almost comical. Toby waved his hand in the direction of the dance floor. “Go, celebrate. Dance with Donna or something.” 

A minute later, Toby realized he’d probably regret telling Josh that. CJ would have his head if she finds out, but what the hell. Someone should get the chance to be happy. 

He pushed that depressing thought out of his head, eyes drawn to the woman who caused it. She looked radiant. CJ’s eyes found his, and for a brief second he thought she was going to come talk to him. But instead, she placed her hands on her heart, so quick he thought he hallucinated it. She took a quick breath, eyes begging him to understand, and turned back to the group of people she was with. They barely noticed her gesture, but it stayed in Toby’s mind for the rest of the night.  
  
He walked up to the bar, orders a glass of scotch, and brings it over to where Leo is sitting. He sat next to him, and Leo looks up. He grins at Toby, shaking his head a little. 

“He did it.” 

Toby took a quick drink, the alcohol burning the back of his throat. 

“Yeah. Congrats, Leo.” 

Leo looked at the stage where the Governor and Dr. Bartlet are being congratulated by people they barely knows, and looked back at Toby. He clapped him on the back, once. 

“You did good.”  
  
Andy said that too, Toby remembered. Maybe they were both right. Maybe Toby should enjoy the win for a moment. He looked around the room, at all of the people he knew and all of the ones he didn't. They did this. They won- for once, Toby actually had a chance of a job after the election is over. 

Sam waved him over to where he’s sitting with Josh and Donna, and Toby joined them. They’re talking animatedly about something- he had no idea what, but from what he can pick up it’s something about Josh, a fish, and college registration. They mention Danny, and his head snaps up. Danny Concannon was a reporter- which is enough to justify Toby’s dislike for him, though the main source of it was the huge crush he had on CJ. Not that Toby would ever admit that.  
  
“Uh,” he said, clearing his throat, “What does Concannon have do to with your story?” They all stare at him for a moment, probably surprised he was listening. 

“I went to college with Danny! He was part of the masterpiece that was the collegiate fish.” 

“God, you must have been unbearable in college,” Donna said. Sam laughed- “Of course he was. He went to Harvard.”  
  
“Look who’s talking, Princeton,” Toby snarked. Josh and Donna cracked up, grinning at him. He relaxed into his chair, and picked up his drink.  
  
They keep talking, Josh sharing stories about Danny and him at college. Toby couldn’t care less, but he listened, interrupting to make fun of him every once in a while. CJ came over, later, and his heart stopped for a moment. Then she made a joke, and he laughed, and she smiled at him. 

And he thinks he could be happy with this. With CJ as a friend, and Andy as his wife- working, with good people, for a good man. He could be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i'm @loudwithlaughter on tumblr- i'm thinking about the west wing 99% of the time so come talk to me about it. not betaed so sorry for any mistakes! <3333


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